Professor Smartass

After his success energizing Republican voters with his attack on contraception, presidential candidate Rick Santorum has reached even deeper into traditional Catholic sexual edicts to add prima nocta, also known as droit du seigneur, the right of nobles to sexual relations with brides on their wedding nights, to his women's issues platform.

To underline his embrace of this tradition, Santorum announced it during a campaign event at Dark AJ's Medieval Dinner Park in Hannibal, Missouri, going as far as to dress in Middle Ages attire himself.

"You know our critics on the loony left often say they can't see how the Christian wing of the Republican Party can co-exist with the free market wing, as if there was some conflict of values between the two," Santorum began.

"But in the ancient tradition of prima nocta, these two wings become one beautiful bird, perfectly illustrating God's hierarchy for all living things, and the economic superior embodying God's love as he fills the inferior."

As Santorum spoke, the prima nocta scenes from movies like Braveheart and Beckett played in the background.

Since America has no formal nobility, Santorum said as president he will fight for a law to adapt the ancient droit du seigneur to become a droit du corporis, or right of the corporation.

The right could be exercised by the CEO, major shareholders, or board members of any corporation over recently married employees or customers indebted to the corporation through mortgages, credit card debt, or other consumer loans.

"What is really exciting is this could provide a new opportunity for the free market," Santorum continued.  "If the CEO or others legally granted the right choose not to exercise it, they could sell that right on a nocta market."

A reporter asked if  CEO's could also take the first night of gay spouses in states where gay marriage is legal.

Santorum thought for several minutes before saying, "I'll have to consult some trusted Vatican scholars before giving a definitive answer, but I can say as a Republican that so long as they do it in the closet, and at least one of them claims publicly to be straight, it's probably ok."

UPDATE: Seth McFarlane used his FAMILY GUY characters to create this educational video on prima nocta for Santorum.

Labels: catholic church, contraception, corporations, dark ages, droit du seigneur, gay marriage, Medieval, middle ages, parody, prima nocta, reproductive rights, rick santorum, satire